“I wasn’t God’s first choice for what I’ve done for China… I don’t know who it was… It must have been a man… a well-educated man. I don’t know what happened. Perhaps he died. Perhaps he wasn’t willing… and God looked down… and saw Gladys Aylward… And God said – “Well, she’s willing.”
– Gladys Aylward
I love this quote mostly because I know that out of all people, I am the least qualified for the calling God has placed on my life.
I feel like Moses when he says “Oh Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.” (Ex. 5:10)
If God has given me such a huge calling on my life, then why do I stutter like Moses? Why can I never put my thoughts into words? I don’t understand politics and I probably never will. But, I understand hurt and I would do anything God would have me do to stop the hurting of people, young and old.
It is a huge struggle between God and me. I find myself arguing with God. “Give me a script that I can memorize and put me on a stage. I got that! I love acting – I’ve taken classes for that and I am good at it . . . but don’t make me stand there with no script. I cant process information fast enough to say it, nor say what I am thinking and make any logical sense! Everyone else does such a better job at it. Listen to them, they are so good with words!”
But then God over and over says to me “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go, I will help you speak and will teach you what to say” (vs. 11-12)
I accept it . . . I convince myself that I have faith and know God can do whatever He pleases through me. But then I find myself silent, shaking, or stuttering. Again I ask, “are you sure God?”
His answer? I wake up in the morning and the first thing that crosses my mind is the hundreds of children who will die today feeling completely unloved.
Then I feel like Peter and God is saying, “step out of the boat again, stupid! Don’t you realize you are sinking because you continuously take your eyes off me?”
Gladys Aylward’s quote resonates again within me. I’m not perfect and I may not flourish in group settings . . . but God will use my willingness to accomplish things that I cannot even begin to fathom.
I hear God saying “I’ve given you these next two years to prepare. Don’t waste them.”
The shove – Next semester I am leading a bible study on Defense – physical and spiritual. Ever since I have been back from Uganda, God has continuously hit me with the fact that we need to be prepared for battle. With some help from my parent’s small group leader and some others, I am putting together a weekly bible study that will focus on a spiritual defense topic along with a physical self-defense topic. As I get more ideas and as more people are willing to help me, I become more and more stoked for this. My way of stepping out of the boat – sometimes you just need a little push.
I can’t lie though- I’ve been asking God for an Aaron for the past 13 years, ever sense He called me to cross-cultural missions. If Moses gets an Aaron, why cant I have one? Yep, I just went there . . .:-)