Faith Based Not on Feelings (Journal excerpts from 6/1 – 6/13)

 

(Excerpts from 6/1 -6/13 – Pictures were all taken around these dates but may not be applicable to the journal excerpts above or below them.)

Children’s Day . . .  We fed 4500 children from the surrounding villages.  It was amazing and so much fun.  We even crammed in our first two class sessions before and after all the chaos.

Will Hart was our first speaker for the class.  AMAZING.  [I will write a blog on all the classes because all of my notes are in another notebook and I am just way too lazy to go get it].  When he spoke, he would give God all the credit . . . not himself.  At the end, God told me that there is freedom in the Spirit, not fear.  I’m not to be scared of His power and being surrounded by Him.  It is a gift. . . . Ironically, right after this, Tony walked by and said to me “It isn’t as bad as you thought it would be, huh?”

It was nice when Randy Clark talked about manifestations and how even He (a really famous speaker and author) almost never manifests.  It is good to hear cause I still find it pretty creepy.

MEIZE PASTOR’S CONFERENCE . . . This weekend, we spent two days in Meize for a pastors’ conference.  It was really great getting the opportunity to interact with the Mozambicans.

I loved it.  It was hot, dirty, and smelly, but really nice.  All 270 of us went . . . that made for a lot of tents and a well used pit latrine.

The second night, there was so many miracles.  I however left maybe a minute before a little boy walked for the first time and a baby’s eyes turned from milky white to brown.  Figures . . . Crazyness – so right after that happened, there was a huge downpour, which shouldn’t happen cause it was dry season.  Our tents were soaked but it was worth it.  Mozambicans see ran as a huge blessing and a good sign.  God was definitely present that night .  . . Oh and bread rolls were multiplied.

First Prophecy over me – Peggy saw my hands as hands anointed for healing.  She also said that she felt that I needed to continue to press into God and truly seek Him.  I won’t and can’t give up on that.  (wow – it is nuts how two other times, something similar was said when people prophesied over me.)

Favorite speaker – Matt from Holland . . .  To think that God would rather have us go, make a huge mistake than sit down and do nothing . . . wow.  I am finding that it is so true that the biggest warfare is between our ears.  I kind of do worry that I will not change at all while I am here.

(My roommate’s practical mission was landscape and they used the machetes for trimming the plants.)
Practical missions:  I get to shadow the base director for a few hours every Friday . . . kinda cool.

When to an intercessors meeting today . . . I definitely don’t feel like I am called to be an intercessor . . .

REJOCING!  WE WERE GIVEN PEANUT BUTTER, JELLY, AND EGGS TODAY!  It is kind of ironic how we are totally blessed with all of this today yet today all I want to do is die to myself – be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.  Teach us community, show us unity, and give us hearts of love.  Open our eyes to ways we can serve each other . . .

I am so thankful that God blessed me with an amazing house that gets along so well.  It could not have been more perfectly put together.  I pray that this unity last throughout the school.

I am trying to get past the lie that God will not do miracles when I am present.  I swear that every time I leave a location, a radical miracle happens.  I feel like if I am present, miracles wont happen – lies and I will not accept it.

We had our first class with Heidi.  She is amazing.  I love how humble she is.  She is definitely one of my biggest role models.

Not Here by Accident (Journal excerpts from 5/28 – 5/31)

[It is nuts to start reading through my journaling and see just how much I have grown since the beginning of my time there ]

WARNING: The pictures don’t all match what is being written about . . . I just wanted to make this prettier to look at.

I forget how much I truly love Africa until I am breathing the air and hear the sounds.  While sitting in the airport, I found myself thinking that I felt so distant from God and that that was a terrible place to be.  Maybe I shouldn’t have come?  Then I realized that that was THE BEST place to be.  It simply means that I can only get closer . . .

THERE ARE SO MANY OF US!  Mmm so 270 of us plus 230 bible school students . . . Not sure where they are going to put us all but I know it will definitely be stretching.  13 girls in one house. . . nuts!  I share a small room with 5 other girls.

I AM SO NOT A BIG GROUP KIND OF PERSON.  Oh Jesus, give me boldness [It is funny that I prayed this . . . I completely forgot about it until reading through my journal just now . . . not 2 weeks before going home, some one prophesied over me to step out in even more boldness than I had been]

I keep struggling with the thought of how I would rather be in Uganda.  I have to remember that I am not here by accident.  God, You brought me here for a reason, even though I truly do not know why.

I am so not used to being around so many people who are so . . . um . . . giddy in joy towards anything and everything related to Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  Which mind you, it is a good thing . . . just not what I am used to.  I kind of like it.  I want to love God so much that just the thought of hanging out with Him is better than Christmas.  What is wrong with me that I am not so completely and totally in love with You?  I think that is just it – I am not completely and totally in love with You.  That is what I want.

I am officially a part of the medical team now – that is awesome.  Pretty much just means once a week or so I will be on call in cause one of the students is sick.

I discovered why I am so uncomfortable with being here . . . The Power of the Holy Spirit kind of scares me.  I want to be broken of that fear.

Oh a side note . . . it is SOOO beautiful here!  I love it for sure!

And I’m back . . .

So I am back . . . I don’t even know where to actually begin.  So much has happened and I know that I will never be the same again.

Now, I don’t want to overwhelm yall with tons of details of everything that happened while I was gone, but for those of you who actually care to know I will upload bite size stories little by little (starting from the beginning).  I can’t make any promises of how often, but I will try every couple of days to put up a new story so keep looking.

For now a quick overview – I have never felt God’s love and presence in such a real tangible way before.  It never ceased to amaze me just how much can come out of intimacy with God.  In the past 2.5 months, I met about 270 people from 26 different countries – all in which were so completely and passionately in love with God.  We saw blind see, lame walk, deaf hear, and lives transformed.  I had the opportunity to build some great relationships with some pretty amazing Mozambique Mamas and Pastors.   I spent countless hours sitting and learning at the feet of some amazing missionaries and leaders from all around the world.

Thank you all for your prayers while I was gone!

25 Days!

I have finally booked all of my tickets for this summer.  I leave on May 25 and return on August 6th.  It is coming up so quickly!  I can not wait to see what God does this summer.  Honestly, I am praying for the blind to see and the deaf to hear, but I don’t want to limit God.  🙂 If you haven’t checked out Iris Ministries’ website (http://www.irismin.org/), I encourage you to take a few minutes to look and see who I will be working with this summer.  Also, be sure to look at the Harvest School of Missions website as well (http://www.irismin.org/missions/harvest/).  

I will not be taking my computer with me to Mozambique due to the fact that I am only there for a little over 2 months.  Because of this, I will probably not send out any emails until I return in August.  If I do get an opportunity to use internet, I will be sure to update you guys.

I still have some more fundraising to do for this summer.  If you would like to help me cover cost for this summer, you can either mail me a check (1425 NE Valley Rd.  #14 Pullman, WA 99163).  Or you can donate via Paypal using the following link.

https://www.paypal.com/us/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=5Xvo-NFNKEUNW0oKZ-cqghCK7tKfI1vtrLlBOWhGH4I8L7fDsu6YD9oCo6q&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8d5863a909c4bb5aeebb52c6e1151bdaa9

WEEBALE NYO (THANK YOU VERY MUCH) those who have already helped support me for this summer!  I could not have done this without you guys!

One Day

These past few weeks, Uganda has really been on my mind.  There have been so many riots and my heart breaks for the children and people being impacted and influenced by these.

My heart has been heavy and in pain for the people in Uganda and Sudan (and I guess the rest of the world that has seen so much violence).  I ask you to continue to pray for them and to pray for peace.

I came across this song the other day and I wanted to share it with you.

One Day by Matisyahu

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And I thank God I’m breathin’
Then I pray don’t take me soon
‘Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it’ll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin’ for
I been prayin’ for, for the people to say
That we don’t want to fight no more
They’ll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

It’s not about win or lose ’cause we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
Drenched pavement keep on movin’
Though the waters stay ragin’

And in this life you may lose your way
It might drive you crazy
But don’t let it phase you, no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it’ll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin’ for
I been prayin’ for, for the people to say
That we don’t want to fight no more
They’ll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
One day we’ll all be free and proud
To be under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like

Surrender

If God were to ask you to surrender your lifelong dream, the one thing you have always been certain about, could you do it?

I asked this because I myself could not answer it. Can I honestly say that I would give up everything I had planned?

I had a conversation with God today. He asked me to surrender.

Of course I told him that I had. What hadn’t I given up? Every cent I earn? My entire life to serve Him in Africa? Relationships? Everything . . . so I thought?

How about your dreams and plans for Africa?

Aren’t those yours? Is that not Your plan? The exact thing You have been leading me to these past 14 years?  You told me to go . . .

Silence.

There comes a time when you realize that following God’s will and pursuing His purpose are not lined up in your life.

Arise, go, proclaim . . . easy enough, right?

I am not sure if anyone could really understand where I am coming from. Yes, this is a dream that God had given me ever since I was just a child and I know it is what I have been called to do. But at times I wonder if I have lost the focus and purpose of it all.

Surrendering sometimes is more than just giving something up. It is laying something down for the use of the One whom you are sacrificing it to, the one who gave you that dream.

But, knowing it is no longer MY dream is a hard thought to have.

Jesus had compassion on the people and He cried for the nations as He sacrificed Himself for us. It is this irresistible love that draws us to Him and this mercy that gives us life.

I’ve come to learn how to resist this love and forsake this mercy.

I’ve been selfish, praying for my dreams to happen, for God to provide a way for it all to come about. I’ve thought that I would rather die than not live out this dream. But I forget that when our dreams become self absorbed, we lose our passion for His purpose.

Our faith withers.

So I surrender my dreams to you, God.

My heart for Africa has not changed. My plans of being a missionary are not fading.

But God’s concerns are to be what my concerns are about.

I do not want my dreams to become an obstacle or barrier to the Gospel, but wholly focused on God’s purpose.

This then becomes my Joy.

Iris Harvest School

This Summer, I have been given the opportunity to attend Iris Harvest School in Pemba, Mozambique (https://www.irismin.org/missions/harvest). During my time there, I will be attending classes, participating on outreach, and helping out wherever possible (pretty much doing whatever I am told). Through attending the Harvest School, I will be able to potentially serve with Iris as a nurse after I graduate from WSU TriCities in May 2013.

I know a lot of you guys supported me while I was in Uganda and I greatly appreciate that. I would love for you guys to continue to pray for me as I prepare to attend Iris Harvest School and while I am in Mozambique.

If you would like to help me raise money to go, there are a few options. You can go to https://kutazamia.wordpress.com/photo-phunraiser/. I will be selling some of the pictures I took in Uganda. They are pretty nice and I currently have a few hanging in my apartment (if you live in Pullman, you are welcome to come check them out).

If you feel like donating w/o buying any pictures, you may mail me a check (payable to IRIS MINISTRIES) (or giving it to me or my mom) or go to https://www.irismin.org/giving-center/harvest and paying in the “tuition” category. If you choose this option, be sure to put my full name (Katrina Harris) and HS14A for “outreach.” I ask that if you choose the first option (a check) you get that to me by May 1st so I can get that mailed to them before it is due.

Again, I appreciate all of your prayers and your support while I have been on this journey. You guys have all been such a blessing!

Reality Check

“YOU CAN’T SAVE ALL THE CHILDREN”

I cannot tell you how many times I have been told that. 

Tragically, It wasn’t until tonight that I realized how sad it was that I completely believed that statement.

It is definitely a logical statement.  Seriously, think of all the kids that die every day due to preventable diseases or malnutrition.

Millions.

What about the poor healthcare systems and the small amount of healthcare workers accessible to these dying children?

Less than 50% of the world has even seen a health care professional.

The world is pretty big and Children are dying everywhere.  Clearly, I cannot be everywhere at once.

So maybe it is true – I can’t save all the sick and dying children.  I shouldn’t blame myself or feel any guilt.  Really?  Why try?

THEN IT HIT ME

            WHO AM I TO LIMIT GOD?

                                    IS HE NOT STRONG ENOUGH?

                                                                   IS HE NOT BIG ENOUGH?

                                                                                        CAN HE NOT USE ME?

Children will die daily.

Realistically, I can’t save them all – but we all know that I am not going to stop until I know there was nothing more that I could have done.

I watched a video by Save The Children the other day.  It was about a lady in Malawi who was trained to perform basic healthcare in her community.  Because someone trained her, she lowered the infant mortality rate in her village by over 80%.

I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SAVE EVERY CHILD BUT I CAN TRAIN OTHERS TO DO JUST SO!

If I train 10 people from 10 villages and they each train 10 people from their villages and surrounding villages, and then those 100 train 10, and so on . . . picture it – People stepping up and saving the children in their own villages – People taking ownership of their sick and orphaned.

I don’t believe there is a single thing I cannot do (other than lick my elbow or pee standing) if I know that it is in line with God’s heart.  Don’t try to stop me.

So, I am going to do just so.  No more children will die without someone at least trying to save their lives.  So, suck it all you people who have told me that I cannot save every child.*

It is funny how once again I am unsure of exactly where I will be and who I will be working with.  One thing I do know is that God is going to use me to help save all the Children.

Sounds kind of familiar to something God told me last semester . . . Oh wait . . .

THE MERCY PROJECT

*I don’t really mean that.  Those of you who have told me that said it with the best intentions to comfort me and help me to stop blaming myself.  I truly cherish each conversation I have with those spoken of and hope to have many many more in the future.  I love getting your opinions and hearing what God is telling you.  This is more of me reflecting on my lack of Faith.

Do you know what I love?  Even though we are faulty and unworthy . . . God still chooses to use us in carrying these burdens and sharing in His heart’s cries.

Noah

I started reading the bible chronologically.  Today (the 2nd), covered the life of Noah. 

God’s character sometimes puzzles me. 

I never really thought much about what it must have been like to board the ark and let everyone else die, until today.  I think it partially has to do with the TV series I have been watching (Survivors, a british TV series).  While reading about the flood, I couldn’t help but picture them all crowded together inside the ark while their best friends pounded on the ark begging to come in.  Noah is sitting there holding his wife as Shem’s wife is yelling “We’ve got to help them!  This isn’t right!  You’re so cruel, Noah.  She is just a child!”  How hard it must have been to sit in the only safe haven while listening to all these people outside slowly drown.  Men, holding up their children, begging Noah to just take the child.  No wonder it says that God shut them in the ark. 

Imagine them getting out of the ark after the flood!  Bodies everywhere.  Mothers with babies strapped to their backs, fathers holding their families, and children scattered all over the land.  I can not even begin to imagine.  These are the things that you see in movies – and to think that it was all part of God’s plan.   

God loves us, yet often things like this happens.  I talked about this with a friend a few weeks ago.  Now days, the things that God’s people were told to do would be viewed as genocide.  I’ve seen movies and I’ve heard stories and it breaks my heart that things like that happen.  I know that all the other people were corrupt and living in sin and the wages of sin is death.    But still, when is it ok?  How about the stuff going on in Israel right now?  How much of that is ok?  I don’t think I will truly ever know the answer or even begin to understand the purpose of these events.  All I know is screw you, sin and screw you, Satan.

Good news though – Jesus paid the price for sin so we don’t ever have to worry about another flood.  🙂

The Mouth of Moses

“I wasn’t God’s first choice for what I’ve done for China… I don’t know who it was… It must have been a man… a well-educated man. I don’t know what happened. Perhaps he died. Perhaps he wasn’t willing… and God looked down… and saw Gladys Aylward… And God said – “Well, she’s willing.”
           – Gladys Aylward

I love this quote mostly because I know that out of all people, I am the least qualified for the calling God has placed on my life. 

I feel like Moses when he says “Oh Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant.  I am slow to speech and tongue.” (Ex. 5:10)

If God has given me such a huge calling on my life, then why do I stutter like Moses?   Why can I never put my thoughts into words?  I don’t understand politics and I probably never will.  But, I understand hurt and I would do anything God would have me do to stop the hurting of people, young and old.

It is a huge struggle between God and me.  I find myself arguing with God.  “Give me a script that I can memorize and put me on a stage.  I got that!  I love acting – I’ve taken classes for that and I am good at it . . . but don’t make me stand there with no script.  I cant process information fast enough to say it, nor say what I am thinking and make any logical sense!  Everyone else does such a better job at it.  Listen to them, they are so good with words!” 

But then God over and over says to me “Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go, I will help you speak and will teach you what to say” (vs. 11-12)

I accept it . . . I convince myself that I have faith and know God can do whatever He pleases through me.  But then I find myself silent, shaking, or stuttering.  Again I ask, “are you sure God?” 

His answer?   I wake up in the morning and the first thing that crosses my mind is the hundreds of children who will die today feeling completely unloved. 

Then I feel like Peter and God is saying, “step out of the boat again, stupid!  Don’t you realize you are sinking because you continuously take your eyes off me?”

Gladys Aylward’s quote resonates again within me.  I’m not perfect and I may not flourish in group settings . . . but God will use my willingness to accomplish things that I cannot even begin to fathom.

I hear God saying “I’ve given you these next two years to prepare.  Don’t waste them.”

The shove – Next semester I am leading a bible study on Defense – physical and spiritual.  Ever since I have been back from Uganda, God has continuously hit me with the fact that we need to be prepared for battle.  With some help from my parent’s small group leader and some others, I am putting together a weekly bible study that will focus on a spiritual defense topic along with a physical self-defense topic.  As I get more ideas and as more people are willing to help me, I become more and more stoked for this.  My way of stepping out of the boat – sometimes you just need a little push.

I can’t lie though-  I’ve been asking God for an Aaron for the past 13 years, ever sense He called me to cross-cultural missions.  If Moses gets an Aaron, why cant I have one?  Yep, I just went there . . .:-)